How I managed to survive

The damned balloon was made to order, but the stupid asshole who made it let it go too soon. I had to make my own out of bubble gum wrapper, paper towels, toilet paper, and plastic grocery bags. I tied them together with dental floss, stuck them together with pine pitch (did I ever tell you how much exactly I hate, absolutely hate, I mean HATE pine pitch?) Why'd that bastard let it go? No matter, I made my own. Did I tell you that I happened to use the elastic from my underwear? of course I didn't, that would be stupid... but... I mean... oh never mind. I was actually able to launch it. There was a formula for making lighter than air gas in a popular science book I read from the 20's, One of the ingredients was iron shavings. I started grinding up my car before realizing that there is very little iron in cars these days. I ended up using the kitchen sink instead, proverbial I know, but I was desperate. I had to get the hell out. Time's up? OK, long story short I did get out. The balloon happened to hold. Of course there was a small mishap with fire. What? Yes I understand. Perhaps some other time when we have a little longer to talk.